god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
