i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
