I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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