this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
