I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
