I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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