his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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