ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
