Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
