We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
