i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
