after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
