Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
