why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize
