You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
We were destined to go to rehab together
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
