Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
