please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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