U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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