This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
