this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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