You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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