Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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