how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
