I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
