Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
