i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
