I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Drake has all the answers
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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