remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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