u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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