There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
