I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
