ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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