today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
