I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
