life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
