i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
