Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
