She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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