sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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