i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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