Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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