I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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