I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
There r osticjed everywhere
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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