i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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