I think i sorta joined a cult last night
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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