I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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