I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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