She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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