Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
