was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
