is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
